Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Apple is Doomed: iPhone 6 Sucks

It's that time of year again, when the iSheep and disciples of the cult-of-Steve gather for their annual ritual of putting on fresh underpants and meandering from their parents' basements to wait in line to fork over unreasonable sums of cash for the latest Cupertino-designed status symbol.



It goes without saying that this year's offerings to the unwashed masses are nothing more than "me too" devices, copying the designs of Samsung and the other Android makers who bravely innovated by increasing screen dimensions while Apple was busy futzing around with biometric sensors that no one uses and yet-another failed cloud strategy.

Apple crows that in its first weekend the iPhone 6 and 6+ sold 10,000,000 units.  Big deal.  This is two phones, after all, and the numbers are undeniably disappointing.  Analysts were expecting sales of 3x that.  Not to mention that the 6+ is a flop; statistics show that iPhone 6 usage is many times that of the more expensive and overly huge 6+.

Personally, I would never purchase such a huge phone, and no one I know would either; only Apple's small but loud band of religious worshipers is going to be purchasing these "banana phones." (Did I mention that if you put them in your pocket and sit down they bend? What a disaster for Apple.  If they don't start handing out free replacements, and I mean right now, it's going to be this year's "antennagate" - "you're pocketing it wrong.")

But let's look at the supposed innovation in iPhone 6:


  • A8 processor.  Yawn.  Only 2 cores in 2014?  This while Samsung and HTC are flogging 8x monsters?  And 1 GB RAM in this day and age?  That's not even enough to open two tabs in the web browser at once (go ahead, Apple fans. Try it!)
  • Bigger screens.  Again, yawn.  Android has had this for years. And with much higher pixel densities, too.  Why can I watch a 4K movie on my TV but not on my giant iPhone? It makes no sense.
  • NFC.  Yawn redux.  Apple is following in the footsteps of Google and many others here.  Google's NFC solution is already hugely popular in Peru, Nepal, the buses of Nigeria, and several other strategic countries.  Apple is late to the party, again.
  • Camera. Windows phone gets 41 megapixels while Apple is snapping photos like it's 2011, with only 8 megapixels.
Where's the supposed innovation here?  Apple has just given up.  Where's the stylus? Where's the USB port?  Where's the SD card slot?  Where's the VGA port?  Why no IR blaster?

Apple steadfastly refuses to give the people what they want, which is sapphire screens.  We were promised sapphire screens, and instead we get ion-hardened bendy glass, all the better for banana-fying your overpriced new gadget if you make the mistake of trying to sit down with it in your pocket.

The only good news is that by releasing such lackluster products Apple has finally primed the pump for its imminent demise.  Once the masses have a chance to fully evaluate iPhone 6 and compare it to stunning competitors like the Motorola X100 and the Samsung Galaxy Note S 7 the bloom will be off the rose, and Apple's ridiculous "wearables" bet - the iWatch - will find itself with far fewer takers willing to smugly camp out for first dibs.

About the author:

Wilcox D. Blodget is a long term tech industry analyst.  He has spoken at many industry conferences, some while not in costume, and is a leading voice in the climate change denial and anti-vaccination movements.  

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